Top doctors based at Louth County Hospital, Lincolnshire have successfully performed to world's first mushroom transplant. Cabbage picker Ronald McCoy from Boston, Lincs, now has a new ear thanks to the trial which took place in the small hours of Monday morning.

McCoy told out.of.focus that he had become involved in a fight at the weekend as a result of heavy drinking on an empty stomach. He was rushed by taxi across the Wolds to Louth where doctors got to work right away.

The procedure was made possible after biologists in Amsterdam made a breakthrough discovery last year – The Dutch Doctors found that proteins in certain varieties of common mushrooms had a 98% compatibility with human DNA.

Dr Conrad Fellows told us that the procedure had a 51.6% chance of being successful as long as the patent doesn't let anyone nibble his new ear for at least six weeks.

Top researchers from the Institute of Mathematical Advancement in Scremby, Lincolnshire, have devised a unique form of algebra to prove that two thirds can equal one haft under the right conditions.

Psychologists employed by satnav giant TomTom have developed a brand new turn-by-turn navigation system, that doesn't require a satellite connection.

The new units will use Holistic Positioning technology. Top-secret algorythms will determine the destinations of other cars based upon drivers thought waves, lock on to vehicles which are likely to be going where you are, and follow them.

Expect to see HPS systems in the shops in time for Christmas 2009.

From Monday the UK are officially reclassifying potatoes as vegetables. This is excellent news for children as a plate of chips or a packet of crisps will now count towards one of their 5-a-day. Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver was unavailable for comment, but is understood to be delighted by the decision.

 

Scientists in Spilsby have produced a world-first discovery by publishing work on the first breathable solid materials.

 

It was previously assumed that the idea of oxygenated, breathable, solid-state materials were an area of science consigned to fiction.  However, after many years of arduous testing, the first official recorded incident was filmed by lab technicians at the Spilsby Institute of Respiratory Studies.

 

The male test subject is seen to be in much distress during the initial phase after insertion of the "Breathe-easy Briquettes" (Registered Trademark), but appears to be breathing naturally after just half an hour.

 

Early side-effects include bloodshot eyes, nose and throat and purple pigmentation of the entire bodily skin coverage. Although this is a minor irritation which is said to subside upon removal of the briquettes and several days of intensive care at the institute.

 

Professor Serge Woodcock of the Budgens Surgery, Woodhall Spa had this to offer:

"These scientists have really broke the mould here with their ingenious solids research.  Once the initial trials are over, we can really start getting to work on possible uses in this new era of Scientific discovery.  Our hope is that one day we will all feel comfortable just breathing in sand or even muck. The prospect is very exciting!"

A recent discovery in a remote region of Borneo has cast doubt over the previous assumption that a central nervous system controlled by a brain should be the basic make-up of the common mammal.

The hairy, brick-sized creature (rigabellum fallabatios) was captured during an unrelated soil experiment, apparently baffled by the placement of research instruments blocking it's regular route home on native territory.

Soil Therapist, Professor Barry Forsythe, who transported the creature to the nearest Veterinary Surgeon, said: "It's remarkable really. I couldn't believe it when the vet told me this creature had no feeling and zero intelligence".

Veterinary Surgeon, Val Handsome had the following to add: "I mean, I love all animals equally as a Vet, but to put it as kindly as possible, in over 10 years in the business this is quite simply the most stupid, pointless creature I have ever encountered".

Celebrated, award-winning research into the age-old mystery as to why dogs chase cats has been completely quashed after unprecedented scenes at the National Pet Science Awards in Langton-by-Wragby, Lincolnshire.

Dr. Reginald Frisby of Metheringham Cat Lab Ltd. published scientific papers on the theory only 2 months ago, claiming possession of proof that dogs chased cats because of a mistrust between species due to cats' incessant lying, with evidence dating back to even before the advent of Homo Sapiens and therefore common domestication.

During the presentation, heckles emanated from the crowd from disgruntled, redundant lab technicians of the Cat Lab, claiming the research to be falsified at their own hands during their turbulent employment under the doctor.

Ironically, after a brief scuffle with awards presenter Dale Winton, a disgraced Dr. Frisby was chased from the building by the angered crowd on account of his own lies.

A ruffled Mr. Winton is reported to have said: "That man deserved everything I dished out to him. What a lying Fxxxwit!"

Claxby newsdesk reported a startling story on October 24th 2008.

Cherry Willingham medical research facility have submitted reports of the first ever recorded incident of a man whose brain expanded enough to be visible through his nose-gapes (Nostrils).

The man was subjected to hours of intensive reading sessions after voulenteering to be forced to do it beyond his capacity resulting an expansion of the brain so massive that it began to break through the protective sack in his cranium.

Dr. Sanje Debacle of the Skull Frame Dynamics Institute of  Stixwold, Lincolnshire had the following to say: "In over 30 years in medicine it is no word of a lie to say that this is most definitely the first time I have ever witnessed someone's head falling out of their own face!" Adding "It's spectacular, just wonderdul!.."

Laughing at least once per day can dramatically reduce the risk of contracting a serious illness, when combined with stopping smoking, eating less and leading a healthy lifestyle.

Rock legend and guitar supremo Brian May (right) has recently completed a PhD in Astrophysics, and is planning to be the first member of Queen to go into space.

Sources close to the star have said that Dr May has been secretly planning to build his own space craft since 1977. It is believed that work on the ship, nicknamed Mercury 2, will be completed by Christmas, with a spring take-off planned.

Brian's wife Angie (left) said that she would have liked to accompany her husband, but unfortunately she has panto commitments in Great Yarmouth.